How to tell your partner about an STI
Getting an STI diagnosis is already stressful. Telling a partner often feels even harder. But it is the caring thing to do — and you do not have to do it perfectly.
No perfect script needed. Just honest, brief, and caring.
Why does this feel so hard?
STIs carry stigma and misunderstanding. That makes the step of talking to someone about it feel even heavier. But delay helps no one: partners who are not informed cannot get tested and may unknowingly expose others. Acting quickly and carefully is the most responsible choice — even if it feels uncomfortable.
When does a direct conversation work?
A direct conversation — in person, by phone, or via chat — is the most complete way to inform a partner. It allows space for questions and for emotional responses.
Choose the right moment
Not in the middle of a busy moment or just before bed. Pick a calm moment where both of you have space.
Keep it short and honest
Say that you got tested, what the result was, and that you want your partner to have the chance to test too. You do not need to prepare a long story.
Avoid blame and assumptions
You do not know when or how the infection was transmitted. Do not blame anyone — including yourself. Use "I" language: "I got a test result and I think it is important that you know."
Give space for their reaction
Your partner may be shocked, angry, or go quiet. That is normal. You do not need all the answers — just to take the honest step.
When does an anonymous message help?
Sometimes direct contact is not possible or safe. Maybe it is an ex-partner, someone you no longer want contact with, or a situation where your safety or privacy is at stake. In those cases, an anonymous message can be the right choice.
Ex-partners or casual contacts
If there was no ongoing relationship but you still want to act responsibly, PrivaNotify offers a safe way to inform someone without revealing your identity.
Vulnerable or unsafe situations
If making contact carries risk — or the barrier simply feels too high — anonymous notification is better than doing nothing.
Multiple contacts at once
When several people need to be informed, an anonymous message helps you act quickly and discreetly without social fallout.
What to say — and what not to say
Whether direct or via a message: the wording matters. Keep it short, neutral, and factual.
Good to say
- "I got tested and received a result. I want you to have the chance to test too."
- "You do not have to respond if that feels hard. But I felt it was important for you to know."
- "For test information, you can contact your local clinic, doctor, or soaaids.nl."
Better to avoid
- "You must have infected me." — You cannot know the source with certainty.
- "It is not that serious." — Do not downplay it; the other person has a right to take it seriously.
- "If you do not get tested, that is your problem." — Threatening language raises anxiety and backfires.
How quickly should you tell them?
As quickly as responsibly possible. The sooner your partner knows, the sooner they can get tested and start treatment if needed. Do not wait until you have "the perfect words" — an honest, imperfect message is better than silence. If you are unsure about test timing for the recipient, point them to a doctor or local clinic.
View test optionsReliable information on test routes and partner notification:
Read the partner notification guide from Soa Aids NederlandExternal source. PrivaNotify is not affiliated with Soa Aids Nederland or any health authority. Use this as general information and follow professional medical guidance.